My heart is breaking into what feels like a million tiny pieces, I can’t hold back my tears.

Amidst the pain, the song, “It is Well” echos in my mind.

Especially this part;

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.”

Sorrows like sea billows are rolling… We found out last Wednesday that there was a chance that our sweet foster son, whom we have cared for since birth, would be moved to an extended family member’s house. When we first found out, I was so sooo sad, and didn’t believe that it would really happen. I thought that surely we could stop the move from happening. Sadly, despite our tireless efforts, the move is still happening. Our boy will be picked up tomorrow morning at 11am and moved to a family that he doesn’t know.

I absolutely don’t agree with this move. The baby is so attached to us, thriving here, is able to have a relationship with his sister and other biological family, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. As badly as I want to control this situation, I know that God is 100% in control. At this point, all that I can do is pray.

So I pray for our baby; for his safety – that he would be adequately protected physically and emotionally, for his spirit – that he would not feel abandoned but know that he is loved by so many, for his salvation – that he would come to have a relationship with the Lord at the youngest age possible, for the family that he is moving in with – that they would be sensitive to his needs and willing to reach out for help if the baby is struggling, for his biological parents – that they would come to know the Lord and fully recover, and that some day we would be reunited in some way with our sweet boy.

I feel like we are walking through the hardest part of foster care. The fear of loving and losing is the reason that people are afraid to be foster parents. But I can honestly tell you, that every moment of being able to love this little boy and be his Mama was fully worth all of the hurt that I am now experiencing. We were able to take in a fragile, innocent, newborn baby who had no where else to go and give him a safe place to belong. We have loved this precious baby like our own, and will continue to love him, as he carries a piece of our hearts with him forever. Foster care is messy, inconvenient, and can be painful, but I can’t imagine having not done it; it is one of the best things I have ever done.

Sweet baby, you were my first boy. My first baby that I got to bring home from the hospital. My first baby that I stayed up all night with. My first child that I had to bottle feed every meal. I was the first person (and only for a while) that you smiled at. I was the first person who made you laugh. You are the first baby who has covered me in spit up from head to toe. You rolled over for the first time with us. We fed you your first solid foods. You have been with me nearly every moment since you were born. These last five months have flown by. You have come to work with me, to pick up and drop off the girls, to church, to the beach, to visit Daddy at work, to doctors appointments, birthday parties, bible study, restaurants, friend’s houses, and various other places. My life will be so different without you; our family will miss you deeply. But we are here, we are always here, for whatever or whenever you need us. I will love you forever.

We are so grateful for our huge supportive community! So many of you have already rallied around us in this painful time, I don’t know what we did to get so lucky to have you in our lives. Please keep our family in your prayers as we go through this time of transition.

I am sure that just as quickly as this baby leaves, Child and Family Services will be calling us trying to place another; our county is desperate for foster parents! At this point, we don’t have much of a plan going forward, we are open to wherever God leads. The only plan that we have right now is for Joe and I to take a quick vacation (kid-less!) and decompress as one season of our lives comes to a close (Joe graduating school and this foster placement coming to an end) and a new season begins.

xoxxox

Leeanne

The day that is so full of emotion for many.

This is my first Mother’s Day having my own babies here with me to love on. Every time that I stop and think about my children, I am SO overwhelmed with joy, and in awe that God has entrusted me to love and care for them! I truly believe that God has given me the perfect children for me. They are not perfect, but on a daily basis my children teach me and I am stretched as I mother them; such wonderful blessings they are!

Today has been different than my previous experiences with Mother’s Day. I have experienced this day in the past, and at times it has brought immense amounts of pain, and at others unspeakable amounts of joy. I have gone through Mother’s Day when things were awesome with my own mom, and also when our relationship was less than perfect; times when I was excited and eagerly anticipating motherhood, and also in the shadows of losing my first baby; this day has brought tears, both happy as well as sad.

My heart beats out of my chest when I consider my children, but that doesn’t erase my past and present struggles. I am full of joy today, yet I feel and remember the pain that I have experienced and continue to experience, as well as the pain that is felt by both men and women all around our broken world. I know that sometimes just being acknowledged can be so encouraging. Knowing that someone out there SEES you and is STANDING WITH you makes those hard times feel a little brighter and a little less lonely.

Here is a list of people that I thought of and prayed for today:

Moms of every kind!

Women who are biological moms, and have birthed their children, vaginal or c-section, there is no superior

Women who are adoptive moms

Women who are waiting for an adoptive placement

Women who are foster moms

Women who are waiting for a foster placement

Women who are birth moms, and have either had to or chosen to give their children up for adoption

Women who are step moms, and so gracefully step into the roll of mom

Women who have children with special needs, and work extra hard around the clock advocating for their child(ren) every single day

Women who are dreaming of being moms

Women who are still waiting to meet the right man

Women who are dealing with infertility

Women who have experienced failed fertility treatments

Women who have lost a baby, or multiple babies

Women who have lost a child

Women who are waiting for a positive pregnancy test

Women who just got a positive test

Women who are patiently waiting

Women who are not so patiently waiting

Women who want a child, but have a husband that doesn’t

Women who suffer in silence desperately wanting a child

Women who have had an abortion

Those who have a wonderful mom

Those who have lost their mom

Those who have a broken relationship with their mom

Those who are separated by hundreds or thousands of miles from their mom

Those who have never met their mom

Grandmas

Great grandmas

Aunts

Mentors

The list could go on and on! I am sure I forgot some, but wherever you are, I am standing with you! I fall under a mixture of categories on this list. I hope that each one of you know that you are LOVED and WORTHY! I feel your pain, and while not being able to relate with each of you exactly, I am aware that you are there, and I am thinking of you and praying for you! Praying that you would know that you are valuable and so so loved!

There are so many women in my life that have stepped up and mothered me and supported me in one way or another, I am so blessed. To each of those women, I say thank you! You have given me a gift that I will do my best to pass on to my children, the gift of unconditional love.

Mother’s Day can be a rough day. As I sit and reflect on my own life, I can appreciate both the joy and pain that this day has brought. To all who are feeling both high and low today, or somewhere in between, it is my hope that you can SEE each other and acknowledge where the other is at. Go forward in grace and love, my friends!

xoxxox

Leeanne

Thank you to my wonderful husband for being so thoughtful today, and supporting me everyday as I figure out this motherhood thing! I love you forever!

Here’s a glimpse into our day!

It’s 1am and sit awake, unable to sleep, on what will be the day of your adoption. I am thrilled and so emotional anticipating the events that will take place today. We have spent the last couple of weeks (and months) talking about and preparing for today! Everyone is so excited! We have been talking a lot about being a “forever family”, “meeting the judge”, and “getting ears pierced” in preparation for today. I have also tried to explain “happy tears” to you girls so that you wouldn’t be confused as to why mommy (and others) may be crying today. We have done our best to prepare you girls and ourselves for what is to come.

As I sit here and think, Audrey Lee and Colette Marie, there are a few things that I want you to know…

I loved before I met you, and even before you were born. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of being a mother. I didn’t know when or how my dream would come to be, and there were painful times when I feared it would never happen. But our God is so faithful and has blessed me far beyond my wildest dreams by giving me the responsibility of being your mama.

From the moment that I heard about you, I desperately wanted you. I will never forget the second that I laid my eyes upon you; my heart was overwhelmed with such joy and emotion at the thought that this could be it – you could one day be my daughter. I didn’t know how long it would take for us to bond… but despite my petty fears, there was an instant connection. We were a perfect fit; literally a match made in Heaven.  Instantly, I considered you mine. I may not have physically birthed you, but I couldn’t be anymore in love with you than I am. You may not look like me or have the same color eyes, but I joyfully and sometimes painfully feel as if you carry a piece of my heart around with you wherever you go.

I don’t think that this feeling of having a part of you walking around outside of your body is new, but it is new for me. Never did I think that such a small person could effect me in so many big ways, but you have. You have turned my world upside down in the best way possible. You have caused me to stop and enjoy our precious moments at home reading, playing, and having dance parties together, as well as male me second guess everything that I thought I knew when trying to answer the 1,000 questions a day that you have. Sometimes I get frustrated, but my love for you always ALWAYS outweighs the momentary annoyances. I imagine that as you get older, there will be more frustrations and at time friction between us, but I hope that you always know, above all that God loves you and so do I. I love you so much that it hurts.

Among the happiness and excitement that is going on in anticipation of your adoption, there is also a sadness and pain lingering. Sadness in what feels like the permanent loss of your biological parents, and pain to think of the things they have already missed out on and will continue to. I hope and pray that you would never allow the choices that others make to define how you view yourself or determine your self worth.

As we embark on this journey of forever, I hope that you always know how truly precious you are. You are so wanted, intricately designed, stunningly beautiful, spunky, a ray of sunshine, smart, highly valued, a light in the dark, worthy, irreplaceable, deeply loved, and from this day forward, you are (officially) my daughter.

You, my precious daughters, are my dream come true!

I love you always and forever.

Mama

We got THE call!

The call that we have been anticipating since the girls were placed with us.

The call that I have tried to not think about for the last 6 months.

The call that allowed us to finally breathe out a breath of relief.

The call that we have been working so hard toward.

On the other end of the call was our social worker. She called to give us our court date when our adoption will be FINALIZED!!! YES, you heard me, our adoption is going to be final!!! THIS MONTH!!!! January 13th to be exact!!!!!

We are so excited to be able to call the girls ours – FOREVER.

I am still processing, and have no clue how I will remain at all composed on our Adoption Day. The whole thing is so emotional for me! I feel so undeserving of our precious blessings that will finally and officially be ours next week.

Photo By: Josh Felise

Guys – I haven’t blogged in THREE months! Ughhhhh, I kept building it up in my head, like it was a daunting task ahead of me. Why?! I do not know! I love writing, processing (most of the time), and sharing; and I always feel a billion times better after doing it. Please remind me not to wait so long between posts!

Lately I’ve had the same attitude towards cleaning our floors – completely, 100% dreading it. I have been putting it off (not for months, oh man, I don’t even want to imagine), but for at least a couple of weeks. If you have kids, you know that two weeks is a pretty freaking long time to go without vacuuming/mopping/etc! It was getting bad… especially in the dining room. We’re talking, I couldn’t walk into the dining room without some kind of food particle adhered to the bottom of my foot. I could make out particles of taco meat, granola bar, and blueberry. So gross. I can’t believe I’m even admitting to this!

I just haven’t had the time. That was my reason. I have so many other things that need to be done and/or cleaned, the floor was my last priority. It got to a point today where I couldn’t take it anymore. Something NEEDED to be done. So I put our youngest down for a nap while our 4 year old finished lunch. As she was eating, I decided this was my opportunity! I begin stacking all of the dining room chairs on the table (around my daughter and her lunch) and went to town on the dining room floor! I was feeling so good about having cleaned the dining room floor that I migrated to the halls, bathrooms, and I even ventured into the bedrooms. I was even ballsy enough to vacuum our youngest daughter’s room while she napped, and get this- she was so tired that she slept right through it! It felt like a gift from God! The last thing I wanted to deal with was a cranky 2 year old, and thank the good Lord – I did not have to!

Reflecting on my procrastination of both blogging and cleaning our floors – I’m realizing that as a mom, a lot of the time it can feel like I don’t have time for anything. But, when something is important (today – for me, that was cleaning floors and blogging), I do have the ability to make it a priority. That means that sometimes, the floors may not get cleaned but my kids will have stories read to them, or dinner might be frozen pizza but I got to spend some time at gym, or we may be an hour late to nap but we were able to catch up with a friend. It feels like I’m juggling so many things, wearing so many hats, and I am a perfectionist. Guys, I love routine! But I’m learning that living in the moment and being present in my husband’s, kid’s, family’s and friend’s lives is more important than any schedule that I can create.

Kiss your babies, read to them, connect with your friends, remind your family that you love them, engage with God, set time aside for your spouse, and don’t freak out if cleaning your house gets temporarily pushed aside. These are a few of the things that I have been challenging myself with!

xoxxox

Leeanne

Here are some highlights from the last few months!

Audrey took her first plunge off of a diving board and LOVED it!

Colette was sick! She’s our puker – oh what fun! Ha!

We had our first non “twinning” day!

Colette has cut AT LEAST 8 teeth!

Audrey started preschool! *cue tears!*

Both of the girls had a birthday!

We went to DISNEYLAND! Annnnd they are already asking to go back!

We are learning that Jesus loves us no matter what, just as we are!

Colette’s hair is now long enough for “piggy tails”! You’re looking at her first ones!

We bought a new car! This was the night that we bought it! The girls were being sooo cute, they were so excited!

We went to the pumpkin patch!

I’m new to this whole “mom thing”.

The day that I met our babies, I had an undeniable love for them. In fact, I think the love that I have for them existed even before I met them. Love is a marvelous and mysterious thing. You can love someone so much, yet be so hurt by them, or get so frustrated with them.

As I bond more and more with our daughters and get to know them on a deeper level, I have noticed that there is a vulnerability that comes along with deep and meaningful relationship. I knew this vulnerability existed in my relationship with God, my husband, my siblings, and closest friends – but I never expected it to exist in my relationship with my children, at least not while they are young.

The vulnerability that I am talking about feels like this open wound in my heart that can be poked and prodded at anytime! Hearing my children talk about a painful memory can cause this “wound” to bleed; having my children want someone else more than they want me can rip it open. Seeing my children fall and hurt them self physically can cause worse pain than if I were to be the one who fell, and witnessing my children battle sin and dysfunction at such a young age is probably the worst of them all and the hardest on this Mama’s heart.

As much as my heart aches for my children and experiences pain – it has also experienced some of the greatest joy since becoming a Mama! Teaching my children learn to swim has me beaming from ear to ear, hearing my children learn new words makes me so proud, watching my precious daughters mimic what Mama does has me in tears(the good kind), and having my baby learn to pee and poop on the potty feels like we have conquered the world – together! Who would have ever thought that there would be a time in life that it was appropriate to kiss someone while they sit on the potty, I guess there’s a first time for everything!

I am learning that in motherhood, joy is found in the simplest of things, and there is no material thing that could bring me more joy than these precious girls have brought me. Until becoming a Mama, I don’t think that I had fully experienced the highs and lows of every emotion on an almost daily basis. The saying really is true, “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” -Elizabeth Stone

I don’t have this whole “mom thing” figured out yet, but we are making progress and pressing on, even when we hit a bump in the road. I am so grateful for the outpouring of love and support we have received as we are learning to become parents – I can’t imagine traveling this road without friends to laugh and cry with!

xoxxox

Leeanne

Babywearing is something that I have been doing to aide in bonding with our 1 year old (and deal with her when she’s fussy), and our 3 year old has picked up on that and is now “wrappering” all of her babies. So precious! They really do learn from example!

24 days ago our lives were forever changed.

24 days ago our daughters moved into our home – we went from a family of two to a family of four – and our lives will never be the same!

In my last blog post I shared that the girls were going to be moving in on June 24th (today), but things happened a lot quicker than planned and we ended up moving them in on June 2nd. God’s hand in this whole situation has been SO evident, and what a blessing and relief that has been!

Our home has never been so full of giggles, tickle monsters, slobbery kisses, and toys! Who knew what joy two tiny humans could bring. Every day is a new adventure and the girls are eager to soak up new experiences, games, letters, numbers, new words, and the list goes on. We are having so much fun with them, and settling into a routine of what our new “normal” looks like.

Along with the joy and fun the girls have brought, there is also an aspect of hurt and sadness that can’t be ignored. Our precious daughters have suffered great loss which is how they became ours. Although we are overjoyed in becoming parents, with our daughters’, we mourn the loss of their biological parents. We are also dealing with the memories they have – some happy and some sad, the things and people from their past that they miss, the unanswered questions that they have now and will have in the future, and much more. I know that there is nothing that I can say or do to “fix everything”, but I pray daily that my girls would come to know the Lord at the earliest age possible so that they too can know the healing that is possible through knowing God.

Our daily routine is so different now – sometimes it can be overwhelming for me because most days it feels like all I do all day is feed people and clean up messes. These days I often find myself trying to figure out what it looks like to live a balanced life as a Christian, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an auntie, a friend, and now a mama. Oh yeah, and a part time hairstylist! Life is for sure crazy, but on a daily basis I am so in awe of how blessed we are to have these girls and such an amazing support system that I am moved to tears – seriously guys, I’m a weepy mess! Don’t even try to talk to me about any of this unless you want to see me ugly cry haha!!!

Speaking of support systems, and our community – have I mentioned how amazing ours is?! Last weekend I was so blessed by my sister and some of my closest friends as they threw me a “Baby Shower”. I was showered with so much laughter, so many encouraging words, sooo many clothes, and most of all so much love and support. It means the world to me to know that we have a community of people surrounding us that we can turn to in times of joy and in times of need. Thank you so much to each of you who attended the shower, and to those who couldn’t attend but still sent their love! It really means more than you know! Thank you notes WILL be coming, butttt things take a little longer to get done these days! 😉 I’m slowly but surly getting them done!

In 24 days Joe and I have had our worlds turned upside down – in the best way possible!

These little divas have rocked our world! We can’t wait for you all to meet them!

xoxxox

Leeanne

When we began the adoption process I didn’t have many expectations. With each class that we took a picture of “what to expect when adopting” was painted. I took all of the information that I was hearing at our parenting classes and combined it with the stories shared by foster and adoptive parents, and I began to form this set of expectations of how our journey to parenthood and being matched with our future children would go. I like order and thrive on checklists, so having an idea of the way the process would go really put me at ease.

I want to go back about a month and tell you our story.

We were still waiting for our home inspection, so in my mind nothing (as far as being matched) could happen yet. Joe and I were busy getting our last few classes finished up, slowly getting the nursery together, and feeling like we had all of the time in the world before we became parents. According to the “order of events” our home inspection had to be completed before we were a licensed foster home and could be matched, butttttt sometimes things don’t happen in order or in regard to my checklist!

On the morning of Friday, May 6th my world was rocked and almost EVERY SINGLE EXPECTATION that I had about how our adoption journey would begin flew out the window!

It was a Friday morning, and I was going to visit a friend. My friend and her husband had been fostering (with the intention of adopting) two little girls (1 and 3 years old), and I was so excited to meet these little girls as well as catch up with my friend! As I sat and talked with my friend she made it more and more clear that her and her husband weren’t going to be able to adopt these two precious girls, but they thought that Joe and I would be a great match for them. I was in shock. Our home wasn’t even inspected yet… a social worker hadn’t called me… we hadn’t had a full disclosure meeting… are we being matched? This isn’t how the “system” works! I was so unprepared, despite all of my efforts for the last 8 months to be prepared for this very moment.

It’s funny how life, love, and God work. I am constantly caught off guard, yet so richly blessed. I think God looks down and laughs at me each time I get out my checklist. Day by day, and with one foot in front of the other, I am slowly learning to trust Him and His plan more and more.

So, with all of that being said – Joe and I are in the process of pursuing the adoption of two beautiful little girls! This last month has been a roller coaster as we have been working on bonding with them and transitioning them to live with us full time (Lord willingly, that will happen by June 24th). Keep our family in your prayers as we transition and DOUBLE in size! I am so grateful for all of the support we have, I can hardly even talk about it without sobbing – we are truly blessed!

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” PROVERBS 16:9 ESV

xoxxox

Leeanne

Joe and I have come to a very exciting milestone in our adoption journey – on Monday (April 25th) we completed our home study! The home study consisted of five in home meetings that were about two hours each; our social worker, Stacey, from the adoption agency came into our home and conducted these meetings. Each meeting was similar to an interview mixed with a counseling session; there were different topics to cover each week. Three of the five meetings were completed together, then Joe and I also each had a one on one meeting with Stacey. The meetings were filled with lots of questions about the past, our childhood, family, friends, marriage, parenting style, daily routines, work, community support, transition, intimacy, family planning, and so on.

It is a little intimidating having someone come into your home and ask hundreds of questions in order to get to know you better, especially when they have the power to identify you as an unfit parent! I am very aware that Joe and I aren’t perfect people, so there is no way that we can or will be perfect parents. Thankfully, perfection isn’t what Stacey was looking for, rather she was making sure that we are a family who will do our best to love our children unconditionally while providing a safe environment for them to grow in, and according to those standards, WE PASS!

Sooo – since we got the stamp of approval on our home study, we are waiting for one last thing, our home inspection! The home inspection is the final step in our process (prior to bringing a child into our home), and it is where our county worker comes and inspects our home to ensure that it is safe for a child (or children). So between now and the inspection we will be spending our free time finishing the nursery, cleaning the house, backyard, and garage, as well as baby-proofing!

Each step of this process has been such a time of growth. When we began the adoption process in October, I was unsure how this long, drawn-out process would be. I was nervous that the deeper in we got and the more realistic information we learned, the less I would want to adopt for fear of what the future would hold. But amazingly, the opposite has happened – I have found myself really embracing the process and soaking up all of the knowledge and wisdom that I can get – all the while growing more and more excited to be entrusted with the life of a child!

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to go to a parenting conference called, “Empowered to Connect”. The conference was phenomenal! I was blown away by all of the information that was taught, and I left the conference desiring to learn more as well as share what I have learned with my family, friends, and anyone else who regularly interacts with children. Dr. Karyn Purvis developed a way of connecting with children that is called TBRI which stands for Trust-Based Relational Intervention. TBRI is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that is designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children. I am so excited to learn more, and it is my prayer that God continues to grow and equip both Joe and I for the crazy road that is ahead! We can’t wait!

Please keep our family in your prayers as we are learning, growing, and SO close to being ready to be matched with a child!

xoxxox

Leeanne